“the one”

I met a guy the other week. We hung out, seemed to hit it off, and so we hung out again. And again. And again. Each time, I heard little voices in my head (no I’m not crazy…). They would tell me “he’s the one, he’s not the one, I like him, I don’t know if I like him.” It was exhausting. Each night I prayed that God would show me. Now if I really want to go ahead and admit this, I knew he wasn’t “the one” the first night I met him. But at the time I wasn’t ready to admit that. So I decided to torture myself a little bit.

For the past year, I have been praying to find my husband. I pray that the next guy I seriously date will become my husband. I pray that the next time I move, it will be into a house with my husband (because let’s be honest, moving SUCKS). I also pray that I’ll meet him in the next year, because I’m currently on the depo shot for my endometriosis…it helps minimize pain and endo growth. The problem with depo is that it’s not supposed to be used for 2 years because it can cause osteoporosis or infertility, and next year will mark 2 years on it.  Anyways, I’ve made all these deals with God. It’s up to him though to untimely decide who comes into my life and when. But I like to think he’s 100% on board with my thoughts. I’ve always prayed faithfully and explained to God that I’m ready. I’m ready to be a wife and to have babies. I’m ready to move in with someone. Or am I?

So, in rolls this guy. He seems super great and amazing. I feel like I can be my dorky nerdy self around him. But then something happens. I start getting annoyed. Now, if you haven’t met me, I love love love my space. I’ve been single for over 2 years now, and it has been the best decision I’ve made. So having someone come into my life, well, it was not easy. I felt like I was giving up my freedom, my time. It didn’t matter if my time was me sitting on my but watching Netflix. It was MY time. Selfish? Maybe. But I think we all deserve to be a little selfish.

It was at this point that God was telling me that he wasn’t the one. I truly believe that when I meet my husband I will know. He will know. And it will be perfect. Not perfect for anyone else. But perfect for me. And my husband will be perfect too. I think I deserve to be picky. I’ve been in way too many crappy relationships. I’ve given up things that I want to do just to bend over backwards for a silly guy. In the past couple of years, I’ve learned how important I am. I’ve learned how beautiful inside and out I am and how ridiculously awesome I am! I used to get knocked down by shallow comments guys made. I used to get ignored for days on end by guys. I was used. And then, one day I discovered that I am so much more than that. I am a freakin’ sweet girl. I have weird quirks that make me, ME. And I refuse to give any of myself up for a guy. No girl ever should.

So have I met the one? No. I had a bit of a pity party for one today because it’s something I want so badly. I want a guy to hang out with. I want a guy who loves me (endometriosis included) and wants to marry me. I want a beautiful fall wedding with pumpkin everything. And I want babies. I want it all. But for now, I’m going to continue to pray and trust that God has a much better plan in store for me. And I cannot wait to figure out what this plan is.

 

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