to the future

I’ve always wanted to write a letter to my future husband, or write a journal weekly for him to read someday. But then I think, what guy is actually going to read a whole journal of notes to him? Well maybe the right guy would, I’m not sure.

To my future husband (first of all, I refuse to call you “hubby” it makes me gag when I hear people say that. My sisters do it, and that’s fine, because it makes them happy…but you sir will NOT hear that word come out of my mouth unless I’m making fun of it.)

I guess I’m writing to say that I hope you know what you’re in for when you meet me. I’m weird, probably annoying and extremely indecisive. I know guys just love it when girls can’t make up their minds. I try. I really do. But the thing is, I LOVE change and I can never decide what I want to do. Maybe it’s a commitment problem, who knows. I’ll say I want to stay in and watch movies, but deep down I want to get out and explore, be adventurous. But when you ask me what adventurous thing I want to do, I won’t know. That’s where you come in. I hope with all my heart I am able to find someone who puts the rest of my pieces together. I want a guy who can help me find something adventurous to do. No, I don’t want you to make ALL the decisions, because I too would like a say. I just want someone who evens me out. Makes sense out of me. Pushes me to keep trying when I want to give up. I need a healthy balance.

Also, I hope I am able to find a guy who gives me the space I need. I’ve always loved my space. I hate being with someone all the time, and maybe that will change when I meet the right guy. I have been single for 2 years now, and it has been the best experience ever. I’ll admit, I was lonely at first. No one called or texted me while I was lying in bed. No one texted me in the morning. My weekends didn’t consist of hanging out with a guy. It was just me, and that terrified me. But in that time, I have found so many things that I enjoy doing and have been able to find myself. Now, I’m not completely all there, I’m definitely a work in progress. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life or where I’m going, but in time I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

I also hope you don’t mind being seen with a bum sometimes. I like to wear sweats. I like to be comfy. Sometimes it’s because my endometriosis takes over and I feel like crap. Sometimes it’s because I just like them! Sure I like to be girly, get dressed up and put makeup on, but not as much as I love bummin’ it out! So hopefully you don’t mind. Speaking of getting dressed up…I like to go out. But not to bars and I don’t really enjoy drinking all that much. I’ll have a couple of drinks but nothing too crazy. I hope you don’t think I’m lame for this. I used to go out. But alot of times I don’t. And maybe that’s because I get anxiety that I’m going to have an endo attack and have to leave or that crowds freak me out. I’m not against it completely, it’s just not something I like to do all the time. There are so many other ways to have fun & I hope we can find that together with friends. Friends; something I’m not good at. Like I previously said, I think I have commitment issues. I’m awful at keeping friends. I try. But I fail. I hope you can help push me to hang out with girlfriends because that’s something I need. Don’t let me lie around the house moping…push me out the door (even if I’m in sweats) to hang out with the girls. Hopefully by the time I meet you I’ll have girls to hang out with – ha. Like I said, I’m a work in progress.

I hope I’m able to help you be a better person as well. I hope I bring out the best in you and am able to make you happy. Someday we will meet, and maybe I will remember writing this blog. And hopefully be then, I’m an even better person that I am today. And maybe I will have figured out where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing.

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